Love - Love is kind. Love is compassionate. Love is understanding, willing to look at how someone else may be feeling. Love is trying to imagine how someone else may be interpreting what is happening or what is said. Love is being willing to look for the good in another person's words or behavior rather than focus on those things you don't agree with or that hurt your feelings. Love is being humble enough to look at the unasked for advice you are given and examining it to see if it is valuable or if it's something you are already doing and it's not necessary or it's just not necessary for you. Love is asking questions and communicating with someone rather than assuming the worst. I have had both experiences recently. The one I felt loved and the other I felt unloved, rejected and misunderstood.
As my mind ages, I have a tendency to forget things I have said and will repeat myself. You have probably had the experience of an elderly person repeating the same stories over and over. Well now that I am 70, I'm afraid I may be doing the same thing. I texted some unsolicited advice to one of my daughters recently that ended up hurting her and causing her to feel like I wasn't happy with her. But instead of assuming that was the case, and just feeling bad because of that assumption, she called me to get clarification about what I had said. Apparently I had given the same advice 5 times! I wasn't upset with her and had just forgotten I had already told her that piece of advice. I am so glad she didn't dwell on her hurt feelings and called me instead to clear the air! It gave me a chance to explain myself and reassure her that I wasn't upset with her in the least. Because of her call I felt loved. I felt like our relationship was valuable enough to her for her to be willing to reach out to me. This strengthened our relationship and strengthened my love for her.
Another loved one has already given up on our relationship. He can only see me in the worst light. I would love to heal our relationship, but he has taken away every avenue for doing that. I can't call, text, email or even visit his home. It reminds me of the behavior of the parents and families of some new converts of the church. They determined that their son or daughter was no longer worthy to be a part of their family if they turned their back on what they had been taught all of their lives. And yet I still love him with all my heart. He is the one who has turned his back on what we taught him all his life. He has chosen a different path. But it doesn't cause us to want to disown him. We still love him and want to have a loving relationship with him. Is it possible to have a good relationship with someone who thinks so differently about life and religion? Is it possible to enjoy conversation, or is it necessary to believe the same things to be able to communicate at all?
Perhaps the problem is that I haven't listened carefully enough to try to understand his point of view better. He has said over and over that he didn't choose to not believe in the church or believe in God. It was all the evidence that he found that cinched it for him. However in our last conversation I said something about him choosing not to believe the church was true. This was a stupid thing for me to say, because I knew how strongly he felt about it, and yet I was feeling relaxed enough that I just said what came to mind. After he said he didn't want to have anything to do with me ever again, I sent an email hoping to soften my words, where I apologized for saying he chose to not believe. I apologized because I knew that what I said was the wrong thing to say, but I wasn't apologizing for believing that. In my last blogpost, I again said that we choose what we believe. Because I said that, he believes I was being dishonest in my email to him. It was a mistake for me to apologize for my statement. It definitely backfired and didn't help our relationship in the least.
Our beliefs are so very different and it seems that in his mind, the fact that I can't see eye to eye with him, means my mind is closed and his beliefs aren't valid to me. We are both trying to live lives of integrity and yet in his mind, I have lost my integrity. But during the last week or so, in trying to see things from his perspective, I think I understand why he said he didn't choose to not believe the church is true, instead, he took all the evidence he had found and felt like it was obvious and should be obvious to everyone. Because it wasn't obvious to me, he thought I was brainwashed and wouldn't take him seriously. That can be very hurtful when something you believe very strongly isn't believed by someone you care about. He must have been very frustrated that I couldn't see his point of view. That probably caused him to feel rejected, because I was rejecting his views without seemingly investigating those views. For him, if I had just had an open mind, I would see things the way he did. I think he probably did want to believe the church was true because of all the beautiful and comforting doctrines it teaches and was probably devastated when he came to believe that it wasn't true and that God didn't even exist! What a horrible thing to happen in someone's life! And then to have his loved ones not even want to consider that he may be right. He must have felt alone and isolated, rejected and misunderstood.
Now, he just seems angry with me. But my heart continues to reach out to him. As I have been contemplating how he must have felt and how he probably feels now, I believe he is hurting probably as much as I am. I want to take him in my arms and comfort him. I want to be vulnerable enough to allow him to tell me everything he has wanted to tell me. I want to be strong enough to not fall apart at his words. And I hope the day will come when he will be vulnerable enough to allow me to share with him all the things I have to say to him without him rejecting me again and again. Can't we just love each other in spite of our differences? Can't we be solid enough in our relationship to not feel threatened because we believe different things? Authenticity is important to him. Is it possible for us both to be authentic with each other and allow each other the space to grow and develop without rejecting the other? Can we be imperfect human beings and still be friends?
