Feelings, Doubts, Choice and Faith

 A few years ago I came across a video posted on Facebook that was quite disturbing.  I think the purpose of the video was to cause doubt about the trustworthiness of our feelings.  The first part of the video started with the testimonies of some of those in the cult Heaven's Gate who ultimately committed suicide, convinced that by doing so they would be picked up by an alien spacecraft and "transformed through biological and chemical processes to perfected beings." 

That was followed by testimonies of people from different churches saying that they knew their church was true.  I believe this was to discourage and confuse those of us in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints who believe that our church is the only true church on the earth.  I remember watching the video several times, trying to make sense of it.  I felt confused and a bit depressed.  But answers came as I pondered and prayed about it.  I realized that not all feelings are to be trusted, especially if acting on them would cause harm to yourself or others.  I learned through study and by faith that other churches have a lot of truth and many are trying to follow Jesus Christ to the very best of their abilities and the knowledge they have.  It's not surprising to me at all now that others might receive a testimony that their church is true.  I'm just grateful for the additional truth that our Church has to offer.

Around the same time as the video was posted, someone posted a link to a letter which was also full of disconcerting questions that cast doubt on the veracity of the Book of Mormon and Joseph Smith along with all the other questions critics of the church have brought up time and time again since the church was organized.  Because one of my loved ones had left the church a few years before, I had already studied many of the questions and found answers that satisfied me.  I still had a testimony that the church was true, but the video and letter again challenged my testimony and caused me to reexamine my beliefs.  I remember talking with another loved one around that time and they shared that the magic was gone concerning the gospel.  Now that doubt had entered in, it let in an underlying sadness into their life.  I felt that was true for me as well for a time, but as I have continued to study and pray, my faith in God has only become stronger. I have learned more about what the gospel really teaches and have let go of some of the incorrect understandings that have creeped into mine and other members of the church's beliefs.  My husband and I started reading more than ever and listening to audio books that helped give answers to the questions.  Our testimonies have become more rooted in truth rather than tradition.

I think the reason I was able to hold onto my testimony through this difficult time is because I already had a relationship with God.  I knew Him.  I felt his presence in my life every day.  He gave me solace when I was sad.  He gave me guidance when I didn't know what to do.  He gave me assurance that all would be well when I was worried about something or someone.  The interesting thing to me is that when the doubt entered in, I felt darkness.  I didn't feel the Spirit.  I felt confusion.  Gratefully, as I studied the scriptures and the words of modern prophets and the words of other inspired people, my faith became strong again.   My faith in my Savior Jesus Christ has become more sure.  And as my faith in God has become more sure, the magic has returned.  I believe again in miracles.  During this Christmas Season, my heart is full of love for others and the joy of knowing God really is there.  He really does love me and will help me through the trials of life.

It is definitely a choice to believe or not to believe.  The reason I say that is that there are a plethora of writings on both sides of every question.  If you decide you don't believe in God or that Jesus Christ is our Savior, there are writings that will support you in that belief.  But turn around and decide that you do believe in God and Jesus Christ and the pendulum swings the other way.  There is so much evidence to support a belief in God and in the Atonement of Jesus Christ.  My life is better when my faith is strong.  My faith gives me the ability to feel the Spirit more strongly and more often and it gives me the answers to the questions of my soul.  I love my Heavenly Father so much and I love my Savior Jesus Christ.  I know I can trust them.  

Here are some of the books we have read during the past few years that have answered our questions, corrected our erroneous beliefs and helped us hold on to our faith and strengthen it: 

The Crucible of Doubt by Terryl and Fiona Givens

The Faith of a Scientist by Henry Eyring (father of Pres. Henry B. Eyring)

Let's Talk about Faith and Intellect by Terryl Givens

Panther to Priesthood by Eddie Leroy Willis

The God Who Weeps: How Mormonism Makes Sense of Life by Terryl Givens, Fiona Givens

Let's Talk about the Book of Abraham by Kerry Muhlestein

The Doors of Faith by Terryl Givens

Let's Talk about Religion and Mental Health by Daniel K. Judd

The Spirit of Revelation by David A. Bednar

Let's Talk about Polygamy by Brittany Chapman Nash

Where the Soul Hungers by Samuel M. Brown

A Walk in My Shoes: Questions I'm Often Asked by Ben Schilaty (a gay member)

Real vs. Rumor by Keith A. Erekson

Feelings by Matthew O. Richardson

All Things New by Terryl Givens, Fiona Givens

10 Reasons Why Joseph Smith Is a Prophet by Anthony Sweat

Divine Signatures: The Confirming Hand of God by Gerald N. Lund

The Second Coming of the Lord by Gerald N. Lund

What Seek Ye? by S. Michael Wilcox

Without the Mask by Charles Bird (a gay member)

The Christ Who Heals by Terryl Givens and Fiona Givens

Answers will Come by Shalissa Lindsay

The Power Within Us by Russell M. Nelson

Faith Is Not Blind by Bruce C. Hafen, Marie K. Hafen

Knowing Why: 127 MORE Evidences That the Book of Mormon is True by BoM Central

A Reason for Faith by Laura Harris Hales

The Heavens Are Open by Wendy Watson Nelson

Seekers Wanted by Anthony Sweat

Falling to Heaven: The Surprising Path to Happiness by James L. Ferrell

Insights from a Prophet's Life: Russell M. Nelson by Sheri Dew

To Draw Closer to God by Henry B. Eyring

Planted: Belief and Belonging in an Age of Doubt by Patrick Q. Mason

Getting at the Truth: Responding to Difficult Questions by Robert L. Millet

The Little Book of Book of Mormon Evidences by John Hilton III

Investigating the Book of Mormon Witnesses by Richard L. Anderson

Leap of Faith: Confronting the Origins of the BoM by Bob Bennett

An Ancient American Setting for the Book of Mormon by John L. Sorenson

Reexploring the Book of Mormon by John W. Welch

Case of the Book of Mormon Witnesses by Eldin Ricks

Shaken Faith Syndrome by Mike Ash

Reflections of a Scientist by Henry Eyring

That We May Be One by Tom Christofferson (a gay member)

Our Adventure

During this time when we are tuned to the things we are grateful for, I feel grateful for the experience my husband and I had a few weeks ago as we celebrated our 50th Wedding anniversary by going on our first cruise.  It didn't go as planned and yet my husband and I felt like we were on an adventure and each time we supposedly had a setback, we were able to look at it calmly and kind of with a feeling of excitement wondering what was going to happen next!  First, our flight to Paris where we were to get a connecting flight to Rome where our cruise was to begin, was late and we missed our connecting flight and missed the opportunity to go to the Rome Temple, one of the highlights we were so excited to do.  But though we felt disappointed, we didn't feel anxious or upset about it.  We were able to get another flight that got us to Rome the same day, but too late to even drive by the Temple.  

We went on and enjoyed our tours of Rome and then of Greece and Turkey and just before we got to the Holy Land, the greatest purpose for our cruise, I started to get sick.  I spent a day in our cabin, resting and then the night before we landed in Haifa, I took a Covid test, just to make sure I didn't have that.  It was negative, so we just donned our masks and set out with our tour group and enjoyed seeing the Holy Land.  I felt so grateful for the opportunity and in certain places such as in Capernaum where Jesus walked and in the Garden of Gethsemane I felt something sacred there.  While we were in Israel, my husband started to get sick too.  He was pretty miserable for much of our tours there, but since my test was negative, we assumed we just both had colds.  

We got back on the ship and went to the Island of Cyprus where we got off briefly and toured an old Castle museum.  When we got back to the ship, we had my husband take our last Covid test since his cold seemed worse than mine.  His was positive!  So then I went down to the ship's doctor and was tested as well.  This time my test was positive!  This meant we had to isolate for 5 days.  However our flight home was in 3 days and Rome wouldn't let us off the ship within 5 days of a positive Covid test.  Again we just looked at each other, shrugged our shoulders and laughed!  Of course we felt sorry that we had exposed our tour group to Covid unknowingly, but we also felt relieved that we were able to enjoy all of the tours we had planned.

So for the next 5 days we had to stay in our cabin and actually got moved to another cabin in an area for those who were sick.  Our cabin looked the same, but we didn't have the daily visit of the steward who would make our bed and leave a chocolate on our pillow every night.  We adjusted and didn't really mind spending so much time in the cabin.  We got room service for all of our meals and got a complimentary laundry service and premium internet.  We enjoyed listening to a few audio books and looking out the window at the sea and watching the crew take the life boats down and ride them around to test them out.  We felt relaxed and not anxious at all until I started figuring out how we were to get home.   The cruise line invited us to stay on for the next two week cruise which would be stopping in Spain and the Bahamas and end up in Fort Lauderdale.  It would be complimentary.  We only thought about that briefly because many of those days would be Sea days and since we aren't swimming pool people, it didn't sound very appealing.  But getting off the ship in Spain sounded very exciting!  

So on Monday, our 5th day, we were allowed to get off the ship in Valencia, Spain where we took a train to Madrid.  The next day we got to go to the Madrid Temple!  I had wanted to go to Spain some day and this was a dream come true!  So we felt like God had given us a tender mercy.  In place of not being able to go to the Rome Temple, He let us go to the Spain Madrid Temple.  At one point as we were coming back in the evening to the hotel after our session, we got off the bus too soon and found ourselves lost, but I still felt calm and we soon encountered a friendly couple who guided us to a place where we could get a taxi.  They were so nice that we didn't feel anxious or abandoned.  Luckily we both speak Spanish so we were able to communicate with them just fine.  Again we felt watched over and protected.

The next day we got to the airport early for our flight home.  All went well until we got on the plane.  There was just a slight delay because one of the doors wouldn't shut completely.  Finally we got underway, but after about 30 minutes in flight, we were notified that the flight had to return to Madrid because there was no oxygen on board.  Apparently there had been a leak in the system.  Again, we just felt excited to see what was going to happen next!  When we got back to Madrid, we stayed on board for awhile while the technicians studied the issue and finally they told us that the flight was cancelled and they would be putting everyone up in a hotel and the flight would go the following day!  

It took awhile for us all to get on the buses with our luggage and get checked in to the Marriot Hotel but we did and we all got complimentary meals which were delicious!  We got lunch and dinner that day and breakfast the following morning and then headed to the airport again, and this time everything went well and we made our flight and our connecting flight in New York and got home safe and sound!

What could have been a traumatic and disappointing and frustrating trip turned in to an adventure for us.  We truly enjoyed the conversations we had with our fellow passengers through this whole experience and were happy to see that many of them had the same feelings we did about it.  Others however felt anxious and upset and angry.  I felt sorry for them and the stewardess who had to deal with them.

I am grateful for a husband who is able to take things in stride and not stress over them.  I am grateful for the understanding I have that one of the main purposes of life is to learn and gain experience.  I am grateful for the peace and calm we were able to feel that allowed us to relax and just enjoy the ride.  Our lives are not always so peaceful, so I feel especially grateful for this experience.

The Amazing Power of Faith and the Cellphone

"What power does your faith give you?" This was the question given in response to my daughter's statement "I don't want to lose the power my faith gives me."  She showed me the emails she and a loved one who had lost his faith had been writing to each other.  This has caused me much reflection in the years since then but I have found some answers that I want to share.

At first, I thought, well, my faith isn't strong enough to move mountains.  I don't see many miracles in my life so what power does my faith really give me?  It really caused me to reflect on what exactly is the power of faith?  These are some of the answers that have come as I have reflected and pondered on the subject.

My faith in God gives me the power to feel the Spirit of the Lord every day.  He's there and I know it, not just because I've been told He's there, but because I feel Him.  Being able to feel His presence in my life has become stronger and stronger as my faith has grown.  

My faith in God gives me the power to receive and recognize answers to my prayers.  With that power, I am never truly on my own, struggling for answers.

My faith in God gives me the power to act in confidence, even when it's something that is out of my comfort zone.  The power of the Spirit gives me the reassurance that I can do it and that He will help me accomplish whatever it is He wants me to do.

My faith in God gives me the power to feel peace, even when bad things happen.  With an Eternal perspective, I can ask the Lord what I am to learn from the situation.  I know that the Savior descended below all things and that He knows what is happening and has felt the pain and anguish and can give the comfort and reassurance needed if we will only have faith in Him. 

I have noticed that when my faith is weak, when I have read something or heard something that causes some doubt to enter in, I don't feel the power as strong.  I have a harder time feeling the Spirit.  I don't recognize answers to my prayers.  I'm more timid about doing things out of my comfort zone and it's harder to see the purpose of trials in life.

I was talking about this with my husband one day and he suggested that it was kind of like talking on a cellphone.  When I have the cellphone to my ear, I can hear the person I'm talking to (in this case, Heavenly Father) and He hears me and answers my questions and listens to my concerns and gives me advice.  There is two way communication. But when I become unsure that He is there, or when I forget He's there, it's like I am moving the cellphone away from my ear so it's harder to hear Him.  And if I put the cellphone down and walk away it's like I have rejected Him.  But He's still there, waiting for me to continue the conversation.  He hasn't left me, I have left Him.

I know Heavenly Father is still there, loving us and waiting for us to pick up the cellphone (in prayer) and talk with Him about our concerns and listen to the counsel he has to give us.  To me this is the amazing power of faith in God.  It gives me the power with His help, to move the metaphorical mountains in my life and expect miracles to happen.