It has been several years since I wrote last. I feel compelled to write now because of something that has happened with someone very dear to me whom I will call Jay. My faith is very strong right now in the Lord Jesus Christ and in His church. But I have learned through personal experience in the past few years that faith and testimony are very fragile. They can be lost if they are not fed and nourished.
A few years ago Jay lost his testimony. In trying to help him get it back, I have unwittingly pushed him away. I sincerely want to understand what happened, what had he read? What caused him to disbelieve what he had been taught all of his life? After all, I knew the church was true, so how could he say it isn't true? But in trying to understand, I read documents and blogs that were written by excommunicated or dissatisfied members who were critical of church leaders, doctrines and policies, past and present. I found my testimony fluctuating. I would read, feel the darkness, study to get to the bottom of it, to see what the truth really was and eventually come back to the light. I understand how someone can lose their faith. It's easy! As I read the Book of Mormon and how the people would be righteous for a few years, then they would become prosperous and then they would become wicked in just a few years time, I understand better how that can happen.
Jay isn't wicked though. He is an earnest seeker for truth, but something happened that caused him to not believe that Joseph Smith was a prophet of God. If you don't believe that Joseph Smith was a prophet of God then you probably won't believe the Book of Mormon to be true. If you don't believe the Book of Mormon to be true, it wouldn't be a second witness for Jesus Christ to you. If you once believed the Book of Mormon to be the word of God, and lost that testimony, it would probably cause doubt as to the truthfulness of the Bible. If you stop believing in the Bible, how can you know that Jesus Christ really is the son of God and the Savior of the world? If you don't believe in Adam and Eve, and the plan of salvation, why would there be a need for a savior? I understand how someone can lose their faith.
I don't want to lose my faith. It brings me great joy. I know that I can find peace even while going through trials. This has been a trial in my life, occasionally wondering if Jay could be right, that everything I have believed all of my life could be wrong. But in between the occasional doubts, I have felt the peace and the assurance of the spirit telling me to keep believing, that it's all true. I feel that when I'm reading the Book of Mormon - keep believing, it's all true. I feel that when I read the words of modern prophets and apostles - keep believing, it's all true.
Just a couple of weeks ago I had the opportunity to be in the same room with one of the present day 12 apostles and hear his council and be fed by the spirit. The spirit was so very strong that three hours passed like one hour. I felt fed and satisfied and desirous of being a better person. That is how I feel when listening to the apostles speak during General Conference. I feel joy and hope and the desire to change for the better. I feel like "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." I feel the love of Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ.
I love that we know where we came from and why we're here and where we're going. Apparently other churches or belief systems have the answers to these questions as well, but I haven't encountered any that feel as right and good as what we have in this church. I love that we believe that Heavenly Father is truly the father of our spirits and that Jesus Christ is our older brother as well as our savior and redeemer. I'm grateful for the atonement of Jesus Christ that makes it possible for us to be forgiven of our sins. I'm grateful that through the atonement, Jesus Christ understands how we feel in every trial that we go through in this life, and because of that, he can comfort us and help us through them. I love knowing there is a plan for us, that there is a purpose for our life so that when trials come we can look at them with an eternal perspective. Loved ones die and we know we will see them again. We have relationship problems, illnesses or handicaps, some we're born with, some we get along the way and we can know it is to give us experience and we won't have to deal with them forever. With an eternal perspective we can ask God what we are to learn through this trial rather than why me? Why would God allow this to happen to me?
We can receive guidance and knowledge through the spirit for how to get through this life and have peace and happiness even through great trials. We can find answers to all of our questions of the soul in the scriptures, prayer and modern day revelation. I have learned through experience that I can trust God. I feel His love and know that the trials I am given to go through are for my experience and for my eternal well being. I am so grateful for temples and the covenants and ordinances we make and receive there. I am grateful to know that my family will be with me for eternity, not for just this life. I'm grateful that through the Priesthood which my husband holds, I can receive blessings of health and comfort.
I'm grateful that every six months we get to be fed spiritually by inspired men and women in General Conference. I'm grateful to know the Lord has blessed us with a Prophet and Apostles in our day to give us council and guidance through this life. And if we are living worthily, we have the blessing of personal revelation to be able to know for ourselves if what they speak is true. All of this just feels right and good and gives me peace and joy. I love this church and this gospel with all of my heart and soul.
When I read blogs that criticize the church, its leaders and its policies, and say the church isn't true, I feel darkness. Their words don't offer me light and truth. On the other hand, when I read the scriptures and the words of our modern prophets and apostles I feel uplifted and my faith grows and the doubt is dispelled. I am still seeking for light and truth, and I continue to find it here in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.
