Feelings, Doubts, Choice and Faith

 A few years ago I came across a video posted on Facebook that was quite disturbing.  I think the purpose of the video was to cause doubt about the trustworthiness of our feelings.  The first part of the video started with the testimonies of some of those in the cult Heaven's Gate who ultimately committed suicide, convinced that by doing so they would be picked up by an alien spacecraft and "transformed through biological and chemical processes to perfected beings." 

That was followed by testimonies of people from different churches saying that they knew their church was true.  I believe this was to discourage and confuse those of us in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints who believe that our church is the only true church on the earth.  I remember watching the video several times, trying to make sense of it.  I felt confused and a bit depressed.  But answers came as I pondered and prayed about it.  I realized that not all feelings are to be trusted, especially if acting on them would cause harm to yourself or others.  I learned through study and by faith that other churches have a lot of truth and many are trying to follow Jesus Christ to the very best of their abilities and the knowledge they have.  It's not surprising to me at all now that others might receive a testimony that their church is true.  I'm just grateful for the additional truth that our Church has to offer.

Around the same time as the video was posted, someone posted a link to a letter which was also full of disconcerting questions that cast doubt on the veracity of the Book of Mormon and Joseph Smith along with all the other questions critics of the church have brought up time and time again since the church was organized.  Because one of my loved ones had left the church a few years before, I had already studied many of the questions and found answers that satisfied me.  I still had a testimony that the church was true, but the video and letter again challenged my testimony and caused me to reexamine my beliefs.  I remember talking with another loved one around that time and they shared that the magic was gone concerning the gospel.  Now that doubt had entered in, it let in an underlying sadness into their life.  I felt that was true for me as well for a time, but as I have continued to study and pray, my faith in God has only become stronger. I have learned more about what the gospel really teaches and have let go of some of the incorrect understandings that have creeped into mine and other members of the church's beliefs.  My husband and I started reading more than ever and listening to audio books that helped give answers to the questions.  Our testimonies have become more rooted in truth rather than tradition.

I think the reason I was able to hold onto my testimony through this difficult time is because I already had a relationship with God.  I knew Him.  I felt his presence in my life every day.  He gave me solace when I was sad.  He gave me guidance when I didn't know what to do.  He gave me assurance that all would be well when I was worried about something or someone.  The interesting thing to me is that when the doubt entered in, I felt darkness.  I didn't feel the Spirit.  I felt confusion.  Gratefully, as I studied the scriptures and the words of modern prophets and the words of other inspired people, my faith became strong again.   My faith in my Savior Jesus Christ has become more sure.  And as my faith in God has become more sure, the magic has returned.  I believe again in miracles.  During this Christmas Season, my heart is full of love for others and the joy of knowing God really is there.  He really does love me and will help me through the trials of life.

It is definitely a choice to believe or not to believe.  The reason I say that is that there are a plethora of writings on both sides of every question.  If you decide you don't believe in God or that Jesus Christ is our Savior, there are writings that will support you in that belief.  But turn around and decide that you do believe in God and Jesus Christ and the pendulum swings the other way.  There is so much evidence to support a belief in God and in the Atonement of Jesus Christ.  My life is better when my faith is strong.  My faith gives me the ability to feel the Spirit more strongly and more often and it gives me the answers to the questions of my soul.  I love my Heavenly Father so much and I love my Savior Jesus Christ.  I know I can trust them.  

Here are some of the books we have read during the past few years that have answered our questions, corrected our erroneous beliefs and helped us hold on to our faith and strengthen it: 

The Crucible of Doubt by Terryl and Fiona Givens

The Faith of a Scientist by Henry Eyring (father of Pres. Henry B. Eyring)

Let's Talk about Faith and Intellect by Terryl Givens

Panther to Priesthood by Eddie Leroy Willis

The God Who Weeps: How Mormonism Makes Sense of Life by Terryl Givens, Fiona Givens

Let's Talk about the Book of Abraham by Kerry Muhlestein

The Doors of Faith by Terryl Givens

Let's Talk about Religion and Mental Health by Daniel K. Judd

The Spirit of Revelation by David A. Bednar

Let's Talk about Polygamy by Brittany Chapman Nash

Where the Soul Hungers by Samuel M. Brown

A Walk in My Shoes: Questions I'm Often Asked by Ben Schilaty (a gay member)

Real vs. Rumor by Keith A. Erekson

Feelings by Matthew O. Richardson

All Things New by Terryl Givens, Fiona Givens

10 Reasons Why Joseph Smith Is a Prophet by Anthony Sweat

Divine Signatures: The Confirming Hand of God by Gerald N. Lund

The Second Coming of the Lord by Gerald N. Lund

What Seek Ye? by S. Michael Wilcox

Without the Mask by Charles Bird (a gay member)

The Christ Who Heals by Terryl Givens and Fiona Givens

Answers will Come by Shalissa Lindsay

The Power Within Us by Russell M. Nelson

Faith Is Not Blind by Bruce C. Hafen, Marie K. Hafen

Knowing Why: 127 MORE Evidences That the Book of Mormon is True by BoM Central

A Reason for Faith by Laura Harris Hales

The Heavens Are Open by Wendy Watson Nelson

Seekers Wanted by Anthony Sweat

Falling to Heaven: The Surprising Path to Happiness by James L. Ferrell

Insights from a Prophet's Life: Russell M. Nelson by Sheri Dew

To Draw Closer to God by Henry B. Eyring

Planted: Belief and Belonging in an Age of Doubt by Patrick Q. Mason

Getting at the Truth: Responding to Difficult Questions by Robert L. Millet

The Little Book of Book of Mormon Evidences by John Hilton III

Investigating the Book of Mormon Witnesses by Richard L. Anderson

Leap of Faith: Confronting the Origins of the BoM by Bob Bennett

An Ancient American Setting for the Book of Mormon by John L. Sorenson

Reexploring the Book of Mormon by John W. Welch

Case of the Book of Mormon Witnesses by Eldin Ricks

Shaken Faith Syndrome by Mike Ash

Reflections of a Scientist by Henry Eyring

That We May Be One by Tom Christofferson (a gay member)

The Amazing Power of Faith and the Cellphone

"What power does your faith give you?" This was the question given in response to my daughter's statement "I don't want to lose the power my faith gives me."  She showed me the emails she and a loved one who had lost his faith had been writing to each other.  This has caused me much reflection in the years since then but I have found some answers that I want to share.

At first, I thought, well, my faith isn't strong enough to move mountains.  I don't see many miracles in my life so what power does my faith really give me?  It really caused me to reflect on what exactly is the power of faith?  These are some of the answers that have come as I have reflected and pondered on the subject.

My faith in God gives me the power to feel the Spirit of the Lord every day.  He's there and I know it, not just because I've been told He's there, but because I feel Him.  Being able to feel His presence in my life has become stronger and stronger as my faith has grown.  

My faith in God gives me the power to receive and recognize answers to my prayers.  With that power, I am never truly on my own, struggling for answers.

My faith in God gives me the power to act in confidence, even when it's something that is out of my comfort zone.  The power of the Spirit gives me the reassurance that I can do it and that He will help me accomplish whatever it is He wants me to do.

My faith in God gives me the power to feel peace, even when bad things happen.  With an Eternal perspective, I can ask the Lord what I am to learn from the situation.  I know that the Savior descended below all things and that He knows what is happening and has felt the pain and anguish and can give the comfort and reassurance needed if we will only have faith in Him. 

I have noticed that when my faith is weak, when I have read something or heard something that causes some doubt to enter in, I don't feel the power as strong.  I have a harder time feeling the Spirit.  I don't recognize answers to my prayers.  I'm more timid about doing things out of my comfort zone and it's harder to see the purpose of trials in life.

I was talking about this with my husband one day and he suggested that it was kind of like talking on a cellphone.  When I have the cellphone to my ear, I can hear the person I'm talking to (in this case, Heavenly Father) and He hears me and answers my questions and listens to my concerns and gives me advice.  There is two way communication. But when I become unsure that He is there, or when I forget He's there, it's like I am moving the cellphone away from my ear so it's harder to hear Him.  And if I put the cellphone down and walk away it's like I have rejected Him.  But He's still there, waiting for me to continue the conversation.  He hasn't left me, I have left Him.

I know Heavenly Father is still there, loving us and waiting for us to pick up the cellphone (in prayer) and talk with Him about our concerns and listen to the counsel he has to give us.  To me this is the amazing power of faith in God.  It gives me the power with His help, to move the metaphorical mountains in my life and expect miracles to happen.

Doubt

It has been several years since I wrote last.  I feel compelled to write now because of something that has happened with someone very dear to me whom I will call Jay.  My faith is very strong right now in the Lord Jesus Christ and in His church.  But I have learned through personal experience in the past few years that faith and testimony are very fragile.  They can be lost if they are not fed and nourished.

A few years ago Jay lost his testimony.  In trying to help him get it back, I have unwittingly pushed him away.  I sincerely want to understand what happened, what had he read? What caused him to disbelieve what he had been taught all of his life? After all, I knew the church was true, so how could he say it isn't true?   But in trying to understand, I read documents and blogs that were written by excommunicated or dissatisfied members who were critical of church leaders, doctrines and policies, past and present.  I found my testimony fluctuating.  I would read, feel the darkness, study to get to the bottom of it, to see what the truth really was and eventually come back to the light.  I understand how someone can lose their faith.  It's easy!  As I read the Book of Mormon and how the people would be righteous for a few years, then they would become prosperous and then they would become wicked in just a few years time, I understand better how that can happen.

Jay isn't wicked though.  He is an earnest seeker for truth, but something happened that caused him to not believe that Joseph Smith was a prophet of God.  If you don't believe that Joseph Smith was a prophet of God then you probably won't believe the Book of Mormon to be true.  If you don't believe the Book of Mormon to be true, it wouldn't be a second witness for Jesus Christ to you. If you once believed the Book of Mormon to be the word of God, and lost that testimony, it would probably cause doubt as to the truthfulness of the Bible.  If you stop believing in the Bible, how can you know that Jesus Christ really is the son of God and the Savior of the world? If you don't believe in Adam and Eve, and the plan of salvation, why would there be a need for a savior?  I understand how someone can lose their faith.

I don't want to lose my faith.  It brings me great joy.  I know that I can find peace even while going through trials.  This has been a trial in my life, occasionally wondering if Jay could be right, that everything I have believed all of my life could be wrong.  But in between the occasional doubts, I have felt the peace and the assurance of the spirit telling me to keep believing, that it's all true.  I feel that when I'm reading the Book of Mormon - keep believing, it's all true.  I feel that when I read the words of modern prophets and apostles - keep believing, it's all true.

Just a couple of weeks ago I had the opportunity to be in the same room with one of the present day 12 apostles and hear his council and be fed by the spirit.  The spirit was so very strong that three hours passed like one hour.  I felt fed and satisfied and desirous of being a better person.  That is how I feel when listening to the apostles speak during General Conference.  I feel joy and hope and the desire to change for the better.  I feel like "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."  I feel the love of Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ.

I love that we know where we came from and why we're here and where we're going.  Apparently other churches or belief systems have the answers to these questions as well, but I haven't encountered any that feel as right and good as what we have in this church. I love that we believe that Heavenly Father is truly the father of our spirits and that Jesus Christ is our older brother as well as our savior and redeemer.  I'm grateful for the atonement of Jesus Christ that makes it possible for us to be forgiven of our sins.  I'm grateful that through the atonement, Jesus Christ understands how we feel in every trial that we go through in this life, and because of that, he can comfort us and help us through them.  I love knowing there is a plan for us, that there is a purpose for our life so that when trials come we can look at them with an eternal perspective.  Loved ones die and we know we will see them again.  We have relationship problems, illnesses or handicaps, some we're born with, some we get along the way and we can know it is to give us experience and we won't have to deal with them forever.  With an eternal perspective we can ask God what we are to learn through this trial rather than why me?  Why would God allow this to happen to me?

 We can receive guidance and knowledge through the spirit for how to get through this life and have peace and happiness even through great trials.  We can find answers to all of our questions of the soul in the scriptures, prayer and modern day revelation.  I have learned through experience that I can trust God.  I feel His love and know that the trials I am given to go through are for my experience and for my eternal well being.  I am so grateful for temples and the covenants and ordinances we make and receive there.  I am grateful to know that my family will be with me for eternity, not for just this life. I'm grateful that through the Priesthood which my husband holds, I can receive blessings of health and comfort.

I'm grateful that every six months we get to be fed spiritually by inspired men and women in General Conference.  I'm grateful to know the Lord has blessed us with a Prophet and Apostles in our day to give us council and guidance through this life.  And if we are living worthily, we have the blessing of personal revelation to be able to know for ourselves if what they speak is true. All of this just feels right and good and gives me peace and joy.  I love this church and this gospel with all of my heart and soul.

When I read blogs that criticize the church, its leaders and its policies, and say the church isn't true, I feel darkness.  Their words don't offer me light and truth.  On the other hand, when I read the scriptures and the words of our modern prophets and apostles I feel uplifted and my faith grows and the doubt is dispelled.  I am still seeking for light and truth, and I continue to find it here in the Church of  Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.